Moving Into Fear (or Basic Buddhism for Skiers) March 24, 2012

Skiing has taught me one thing with certainty – resistance only increases the chance of receiving the opposite outcome than I intended.

For those of you unenlightened non-skiing people, here is a brief ski lesson: the front end (tip)  is the steering end, the back-end (tail) acts as a gas pedal.  Regardless of my young friends tendencies to straight-line it, skiing is about making turns to get downhill.  In order to make move or make the ski turn we must pressure the front end by shifting our weight forward – and thus, downhill.

This seems easy in writing, but when faced with a steep slope (whatever that means to us personally), the intuitive response is not to lean forward, but sit back in avoidance and concern for our safety.  As we resist the downward velocity of the slope, we increase speed (weight on tails) while losing steering ability (lack of weight on tips).  When we feel it is becoming more difficult to “stay in control”, we resist further, losing the momentum that carries us from turn to turn and so we increase unnecessary movements with our bodies. Resisting  the inevitable (we choose this downhill sport!) we work twice as hard, use more muscle, and have less fun to get down the hill  than if we had simply trusted our ability to make each necessary turn.

In our fear, justified or not, we completely lose connection to flow.  As we humans are uncomfortable with a loss of control, we tend to do one of two things: give up, determining that it is not right for us or, we continue to flail our way downhill, determined to “do this” no matter what, using extra energy in the process, risking injury and losing all sense of enjoyment.  We blame our difficulties on the conditions (too icy/not the right time) , circumstances (there was a snowboarder in the way/I didn’t have enough money) ,  or random half truths (my feet hurt/she was a bitch). Really, we are resisting leaning into that which scares us but is nevertheless required to move through on our way towards our goals.

And what are we afraid of? Failure. Risk. Getting hurt. Looking stupid. Going out of our comfort zone. Losing control.  The list goes on.

As if these were all things we have dominion over in the first place.

Life is scary.  Personally, I seem to attract drama like poop does flies. Poverty, unemployment, illness, stupid people; you name it. But when I was told I had cancer, the complete lack of control over that diagnosis made me stop thinking I could/should try to direct everything my life. Instead I began to learn to accept that life simply is what it is – just like the mountain.  My choice is to engage or not, and how I want to do that is up to me. My reactions to situations are often the only thing I can control. This shift in perception makes it easier stay on tip of my skis and stop resisting the flow of life. I must stop worrying about what might happen, and stay present in what is happening to move toward my goals.

Flow doesn’t mean that is always smooth, but there is a sense of direction, purpose and intention that seems right somehow. In skiing, flow is the glorious sensation of sliding through silky snow even though you occasionally still getting bounced around. Each turn follows the next with relative ease until you stop at the bottom laughing, and say to your buddies, “man, that was SWEEEEEET!”

Skiing teaches me about life on and off the hill. There was nearly a foot of relatively good snow when I went up this week to ski off a bad situation at work. I was faced with a choice that either way was likely to result in unemployment or unhappiness. I had a headache for a week over it. Unemployment is scary and it seemed stupid to draw a line about something that was relatively trivial, but my goal is living a more authentic, heart centered life in which I do not compromise on what is important to me. As I argued with myself over every angle of the situation, I could feel myself flailing, losing control, and working far too hard.  I was using up valuable energy trying to stop forward momentum,  because I was afraid to move into my fears about unemployment and what I thought it said about me.

And so I leaned forward.

It isn’t comfortable at first.

I have my moments as a great skier, but I am often freakishly forcing turn after turn by over-rotating my shoulders and hips; hopping my feet and flinging my arms around to make it happen.  I arrive at the bottom exhausted, but somewhere in each run, there is usually at least one or two linked turns where I was simply “in it” and I get back on the chair.

I often make skiing – and life – more difficult than it needs to be in my lack of trust. And that is what it is….learning to trust that by not struggling with the struggle (as my friend Carole says) you will arrive at your destination with much less effort.  Control is an illusion – what will happen, will happen, and our flailing only increases the chance of it happening badly.

Skiing is not an easy sport, and neither is life, but by committing to my intentions, I get the opportunity to experience relative effortlessness sometimes. That feeling of being in the flow, is the most glorious feeling ever. It  keeps me addicted to this ridiculously expensive sport and to life in general.

As I sit at my computer writing, now newly unemployed, I am curiously observing flow around me.  It is a bit bumpy and there is that “whoa, who….aaaah, WHOAH!” sensation I have on the hill when it feels like things are about to get dicey.  But I also have some of that sensation of floating along and I am committed to not trying to steer this from the backseat. I keep humming to myself a skiing version of Dori’s song  from “Finding Nemo”: “Just keep turning, just keep turning!!”.

I know when I get to the bottom of this run, I will jump around and say: “THAT was so friggen AWESOME!!!!  Did you see when I almost lost it and then I pulled it together and it was like……YEAH! LETS DO IT AGAIN!”

 

(this seems to be a theme with me…if it is for you too check out my posts Resistance is Futile  and I am Committed to This…I think)

Language of Love February 12, 2012

“I love you” I said as we snuggled on the couch watching movies.

The evening suddenly took on the feel of a family gathering where Jr. drops the F-bomb in front of Grandma.

We had known each other for years before we started dating and few months into our “couple-hood”  I had no doubt that what I felt was love. But instead of completing the romantic moment, Neil looked at me and said, “It is going to be a while before I can say that”.

I had no way of knowing that more than 5 years later – and having lived together for most of it – I still would not have heard those words from him.

And, what is even more surprisingly, I am mostly okay with it.

Neil has more than the normal allotment of stereotypical male communication issues. On the other hand, words are really important to me and I am definitely a communicator. I’ve always wondered why in the world he chose me – a writer who finds it easy to voice my feelings and is deeply passionate and outspoken about a million different things when he so clearly is…NOT.

Neil is very reserved and my zest for engaging life to the fullest must push his buttons in addition to our opposing communication styles. But even in that awkward conversation about love, he has never shied away from me. In fact, his whole-hearted commitment to me when I must drive him crazy, is part of how I know he feels the words he finds so difficult to utter.

So, I keep saying “I love you” and he routinely responds: “Why now?”

Even though asking “why now” is probably intimacy avoidance at its finest, it has given me a deeper understanding of my own layers of relationship and connection. I am sure Neil doesn’t intend to come across as an emotional ascetic – maybe he is learning what love is. It seems that I certainly am.

My best guy friend was thrown off when a girl he was dating said she loved him. He called me in a panic: “I don’t know what to do! It is too early! I like her a lot but I don’t know where this is going and it is too much right now”.

“I tell you I love you all the time and I have loved you for years. What is the big deal with this?” I ask.

“It is different.” He answered. But I wondered why? Was he worried that that statement of love was full of expectation? Ownership? Exclusivity? What do we mean when we tell someone “I love you”? What do I mean when I say it to Neil?

“I love you,” I say. We are playing golf, the sun is shining and there is an eagle flying overhead. My score is pretty good for once, the friends we are playing with are laughing and everything is glorious. “Why now?” Neil asks. Because we get to share this moment. We enjoy each other’s company and seek it out instead of finding it tiresome; we have common things to laugh at and do together. In our playtime I get to see us as friends, not just who we are in our relationship.

“I love you”. We are watching the finals on a TV talent show in which the performance has been breathtaking, and I look over to see a tear running down his face. “Why now?” Because he feels for these people, for their hard work, for the heart they put into what they do. He appreciates the beauty, lets himself be moved and doesn’t pretend otherwise. His sensitivity and innocence are why I am with him. I am reminded of what a good man he is.

“I love you.” I am on a hospital gurney getting ready for surgery to remove cancer from my body.  Things will never be the same, life is uncertain and I am terrified. “Why now?” he says ever so softly. Because love is all I have to hold onto. I need to hear something in my voice besides fear, and need to know that I part of something more than cancer. Through my love I remind myself of who I am and how much bigger life is than this illness.

“I love you” I say with a sigh. Frustration edges my voice. We are having a disagreement that stems from his inability to communicate and my tendency to make up for it by over doing it. “Why now?” He doesn’t believe me – I can hear it in his voice. I don’t blame him for his doubts, but the truth is that even when I am mad I wouldn’t chose to be anywhere else (or at least not for long!). Either one of can chose to leave, but instead we slog through the tough times together knowing there is more than just this moment. I appreciate his willingness to keep trying and am grateful that we respect for each other too much to demand that our individual position is the only correct one.

We are a society that throws “I love you” around a lot. We say it lightheartedly to people we barely know, toss it around when we are happy, and end conversations with it habitually. I’ve slipped up and said it as I am hanging up the phone when it was clearly inappropriate and not meant. Too many times in the past I have said it without thinking about what it means. Often what I intended by the words was felt as something different to the person hearing it. That doesn’t mean I should say it less – in fact, post-cancer, I probably say it more than I ever have. I just am conscious of what it means to me when I do.

When I pay attention to saying “I love you” to anyone – especially Neil, I come to a deeper understanding of what is going on inside me moment to moment. It challenges me to use language that is more descriptive to build a fuller picture of my feelings and fill in the gaps so that the person I am addressing understands what “I love you” means for me. By doing so, I give them space to experience the intent instead of getting tangled up in the baggage. And more importantly, I am better able to speak from my heart when I know what really resides there.

“Why Now?” may very well be a stalling or diversionary tactic from a man emotionally tied in knots, but through the untangling of my own I have become a better person. As I discover why I love, I am better able to actually DO the emotion of love.

And love is something we all could get better giving AND receiving.

Be The Change Part 2 – What We Should Have Learned From Occupy Wall Street December 30, 2011

Occupy Wall Street protests are fading into the past (for better or worse) as tent cities have been shut down and the nations short attention span has moved on to something else.  Whether or not OWS accomplished any of its goals in impacting the way that big business is run and governed in the US, it cannot be taken lightly that this was a tremendous opportunity for the “regular citizens” to proclaim their outrage at the freedoms and benefits a small portion of the population receives.  But OWS’s lack of leadership seemed to be its downfall and the teachable moment never really happened while  the media  focused on police pepper-spraying protesters , fringe group troublemakers and the dollar cost of our freedom of speech.

This was an opportunity not  only for us to voice our disillusionment, but to make small changes that, when undertaken by people en mass, make big differences in our lives, in our communities and in our economy.

We will not change the world without first changing how we are in connection to it.

Here is my list of  10 things we can each do that seem small, but do make a difference: 

1. MOVE YOUR MONEY TO A CREDIT UNION   November 5, 2011 was National Bank Transfer Day…a deadline by which consumers were encouraged to leave for-profit banks and move their money to credit unions.  In September credit union membership grew by 227,000; October by 214,00 and in the first week of November alone, by  40,000 new members.  Now if all of these people ONLY moved $100 each….which I am sure is far below average….well, that means that is over $48MILLION dollars moved from profit banks to local non-profits.  It may have not made a huge dent, but it made a dent.  And it created awareness. But more importantly, it brought your money back to the community – to smaller banks who invest in their communities.  It is easy to do, and don’t forget to move loans, mortgages and credit cards too.
2.  SHOP LOCALLY AND THINK SMALL  Stay out of chain stores as much as possible and shop local, small businesses.  In most cases you will not pay more, and really – even if it costs you a few dollars more, aren’t you glad you dealt with the OWNER???  Most small businesses feature local products so you are making a double impact on the lives of the people in your community.  Find your farmers market.  Use a non-chain store mechanic.  Eat at the local burger joint if you have to have fast food.
3.  GET OUT  Go outside and play. Go for a walk.  Take a hike. Ski.  Get yourself into the outdoors.  You don’t know what is worth saving until you have an experience with it.  Pick up garbage.  Join a trail cleanup crew.  Take your dog to the dog park. When you go for a walk, you meet neighbors, discover interesting new coffee shops, trails and flora and fauna all while you get exercise. People who spend time outdoors are the ones who work to protect it.
4.  TURN OFF YOUR TV  Television tricks us into believing that the lives of spoiled kids from Jersey are important and that we must spend $200 on high heels to be beautiful.  Mainstream media is for-profit, meaning that what they put out there for news/entertainment must be profitable. That means they are trying to get you to believe and to buy. You may think you are immune, but you are not….commercials are designed to subliminally affect us, violence dulls us and images of “beauty” demean us.  Nearly all children’s media is full-fledged brainwashing of our newest consumers with splashy graphics, coordinating clothing lines and stuffed toys.  Purse alternate media sources, listen to NPR, put down the remote and experience your community in person.
5. START A GARDEN It doesn’t have to be big, nor do you need skill, tools or experience.  A pot, dirt and a plant/seeds is all you need.  This is especially important if you have kids.  Growing things  outdoors puts us in tune with the weather, pests and the necessity of care and attention – all of which we forget when out world is so pre-packaged/protected. It is only by having a garden that the reality of global weather pattern changes sink in – I now plant the bulk of my garden almost 2 months later than I did 20 years ago.  And it is still too cold for some plants.  I would never have noticed otherwise except to complain about “bad summers”.
6.  STOP NEEDLESS SPENDING  Stop the consumer debt.  Pay off your credit cards.  Don’t buy the “thing” just because it is a dollar off on sale unless you really need the “thing”.  Stop habitual spending, stop emotional spending.  Pay attention to where your money goes – track it.  Whether you have a lot of it or a little you will be surprised at where it goes.  Cancel catalog subscriptions so that merchants are not telling you what you need and reminding you every month  with sales flyers  on already overpriced items.  You will be more satisfied with what you have if someone is not always reminding you what you don’t have.
7.  VOICE YOUR OPINION  You have a voice – use it.  If a company is treating you unfairly, tell them.  Take your business elsewhere.  Write a letter to the newspaper or to a ratings website or local news agency consumer group.  Don’t blow it off for the next guy to get ripped off or offered bad service.  You are not at their mercy. Vote – or don’t vote, but be politically active not neglectful or lazy.
8. VOLUNTEER You and your talents are needed.  It does not always require a big time commitment – I am a 3 year volunteer for a program that needs me only an hour or two a month – and even that is over the phone!  Volunteering gets you out into the community providing valuable perspective on your own life.  As the economy has suffered, many non-profit organizations have had serious declines in funding and need volunteers more than ever.  Pick your passion and put it to work. People need you.
9.  REDUCE, REUSE,RECYCLE  Ride the bus and get to know your neighbors and come home with crazy stories like I do!  Consolidate chores needing driving, carpool when you can, and take mass transit as often as possible.  Better for the environment and less dollars in the oil company’s pockets.  Don’t waste resources – make sure to recycle, buy in bulk, carry your own grocery bags.  Shrink the size of your garbage can and grow the size of your recycle.  Carry your own water bottle, coffee cup or silverware for takeout food.
10.  BELIEVE IN WHAT IS POSSIBLE  NOT WHAT IS IMPOSSIBLE We become negative when we are overwhelmed and there is much to overwhelm us politically, environmentally and financially.  But manifestation works by focusing on what you don’t want to happen as well as what you do want to happen.  Spend your energy on creating the future you want, step by step.  It is a marathon, not a sprint and your efforts may look small and insignificant, but  I assure you that everything you do with intention is anything but insignificant.

(This post was largely inspired by the book “Small Wonder” by Barbara Kingsolver…..a terrific collections of essays I suggest you find at your local independent bookstore  or through  The Elliot Bay Book Company  which ships!!)

Be The Change Part 1: Waving Pink Ribbons December 14, 2011

As I finished up school for the semester, Pinktober came and went along with most of the marketing that goes with it. The prevalence of pink ribbons everywhere reminds me to celebrate my own life, as my breast cancer surgery took place dead center in the middle of October three years ago. Back then, the fact that someone was wearing a pink ribbon made me feel like they were on MY side even though they didn’t know me – or know I was undergoing treatment. I felt a part of a sisterhood instead of a freakshow.  Knowing I was not fighting alone saved my life just as much as my treatment, giving me courage and support to do what I needed to do no matter how hard. That is not a small thing to someone newly diagnosed.

But this October, my email was full of blogs from breast cancer survivors who were fed up with the marketing surrounding Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Tired of Komen’s attempts to copy-write the term “for the cure” and lack of actual dollars spent on finding that cure (relative to furthering Komen brand marketing), these women were justifiably frustrated. As the media portrays survivorship with the effervescent cheerfulness of pink boa’ed women marching, women remain sick, un-cured and looking for away to prolong their life with some dignity. There is justifiable concern that we have glossed over the reality of a disease we barely understand and don’t know how to prevent – one which we can only treat with highly invasive methods, and have not come close to curing. Many women are not celebrating during breast cancer awareness month; they are at home on couches and in bed, frustrated that they are forgotten, knowing they will likely die before a cure is ever found. An unpopular story in the media seeking a positive light on the current “favorite” disease.

I understand.

As we celebrate or survivorship, these women with metastic cancer, who have lost their hair AGAIN, who are suffering from lymphedema and having to display handicap parking stickers before they are forty because they are too sick to walk, must not be forgotten. For them pink ribbons are not enough. Too frequently these women, still fighting long months and years after their diagnosis, get pushed to the background in the “fight”, while we who have survived march and wave pink ribbon flags, and go about our lives more or less as we had before.

I understand the frustration around pink ribbon everything and fundraisers that don’t result in significant change. But, we must start somewhere. “Small” things can make a difference while we also keep pushing for better services, treatments and a cure.

Recently, a breast cancer blogger I follow wrote a blog piece about whether or not it is okay to “indoctrinate middle school kids into the pink ribbon culture” by public schools endorsing a breast cancer fundraiser to “pink the town”. These youth raised significant funds for the program Breast Friends, (a resource for ALL women’s cancers) that provides (among other things) financial resources for women undergoing cancer treatment – a highly worthy cause.  And yet, she felt questions were raised regarding this praiseworthy fundraising event.

The article questions making breast cancer more important than other diseases, and raises concerns regarding the predominance of “preventative” education – inaccurately promoted educational content for a disease we have no idea how we get. Then there is the disturbing prevalence of using a disease to raise money for an organization in which only a fraction of the proceeds go to good use that is tainting even worthwhile fundraising efforts.

But, I think our frustration in how slow a cure is coming about causes some of us to be blind to the good that this movement has done and how  small things have drastically impacted the lives of women. Even the fact we TALK publically about breast cancer now is astounding to me.  All this hoopla has made a difference.

The thing that is most important about pink ribbons, a whole month set aside for awareness or kids saving pennies, is that it empowers people to make a difference in someone’s life.  Small change DOES matter in terms of resources and emotional support for patients and survivors.  And when we look past the marketing, we can choose to see fundraisers and pink ribbons as a reminder that we are not alone. People care about our struggles and want to do something – even children too young to know what the loss of a piece of our womanhood mean or what the reality of fighting for our lives looks like.  Empowering people to make even a small difference doesn’t take away from anyone – it opens our hearts to give more, and also teaches us to receive.

We survivors need to know we are not forgotten – all of us – healed, sick, celebrating or still in treatment. Cancer goes on for us every day, long past when the people around us have forgotten that we ever had it.  We still have to look in the mirror and face our fears in the doctors’ office.  We have been tough, but we still have our moments and people want us to know they haven’t forgotten.

Pink ribbons are not just a marketing campaign by big business, though it may have started that way.  It has morphed into everyday people trying to show support and make some tiny bit of difference. Though  breast cancer is no more important than other cancers,  it just happens to be one that so many of us are profoundly affected by through no fault of our won.  Every day people need to feel empowered – they need to feel like they have something they can do.  And, to the newly diagnosed, this outpouring of love and caring disguised as a pink ribbon, makes them feel less alone in days filled with  grief, uncertainty and fear.

Without a doubt we need to pay attention to how we donate and show support — and there are far more effective organizations than Komen. Funds are needed every month, not just October and not just for breast cancer. But because one organization has used a disease to its own marketing ends, does not mean that we should turn our backs on doing what we can –regardless of our age- to show support and make someone’s life a tiny bit easier.

Though pennies from kids may not find a cure, they will keep the power on in the home of a woman spending her money on cancer treatment. That deeply affects a life, as a does a support phone call from a volunteer or a ride or hotel room while undergoing treatment – all services that are funded by donations large and small by people who care.

Awareness, over-the-dinner-table-conversation, and pennies put into action by every day people are the ONLY way we are going to affect change in any sphere – politically or medically. Choose organizations that provide patient quality of life services or local, community resources. Keep the conversation alive, stay educated and use/donate your money wisely. We absolutely need to hold big fundraising establishments like Komen accountable for how they spend our donated money.  But don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater – donating to the right organizations can make a huge difference in the day to day lives of cancer patients. And showing support to patients goes further than you may think.

There is also a more global reason to not question whether kids doing a fundraiser is a “good idea”. Because those kids felt they made a difference, they will grow up believing in the importance of doing what they can. Our world needs less cynicism and more empowerment. As we teach our youth they can make a difference, they will feel their actions matter. And they will seek out other ways to make a difference.  Someday it could be you that benefits from their unselfishness. Our actions always matter.

This is how we change the world. Change happens through small events -each of us doing what we can – large or small. Ghandi said “Be the change you want to see in the world” . Change, revolution, healing, and a cure start with each of us.

For more information check out:

Breast Friends

LiveStrong

The American Cancer Society

The Young Survival Coalition

The American Cancer Society Relay for Life

Running Shoes July 4, 2011

My running shoes are sitting by the front door. Not my real ones – those are still sitting in the closet collecting dust. These are the shoes that magically appear and starting screaming RUN! when change is in the air leaving me feeling out of control and desperately seeking solid ground. Like a deer fleeing a forest fire, rather than hunker down and wait out the storm, I start double-knotting my shoe laces in preparation. It is in these moments of uncertainty that we have the greatest opportunity to practice having faith.

After observing my real life soap opera over the years, I can see the warning signs of imminent change:  it all starts with the overwhelming feeling that thing something is coming – like waiting for Christmas, but not sure if it is good or something else.  My dreams are full of momentum then suddenly they shift and all the things that scare me come creeping. Tears for every reason are followed by those for no reason that move into an alarming silence. Deep, expectant, interior silence where every thought echoes and I am overwhelmed by the stillness of my inner landscape. Finally I can’t stand it and I get the itch…a burning desire to run in any direction to anywhere – as long as it means movement and bridges the gap between what has been and some other time in the future.

Often I have run from people, places and situations that have become stagnant, seeking relief from the insistent urge towards a more fulfilling life.  Much of the time is was the correct course of action, but I have also picked fights, made bad decisions and burned bridges that I should not have simply because I needed to regain control of something in order to halt the free-fall into the unknown.  As I feel the energy shift inside me towards creating space for new growth the real-life crows in my garden (mythical harbingers of change as well as opportunistic death feeders)  stay unnaturally close to me as I weed.  Their insistent hoarse cawing and general blackness make me edgy as if they are waiting to guide me into a timeless place of transformation whether I want to go or not.

Regardless of my deep spiritual belief that change is a necessary and natural part of the wheel of life turning, the in-between place of what was and what is to come is a place of fear and uncertainty.  It is in these moments of deep uncertainty that I feel most alone and helpless, wanting to DO anything to wiggle out of the feeling. Even when the upcoming changes may be good, my lack of control regarding all that must shift to make way for the new is hard to swallow. When the wheel is turning regardless of my actions, it is hard for me to breathe much less to stay still, yet to overcome the urge to self-destruct I must do just that. The more irresistible the urge to run, the more important it is that I choose another “action” path and have faith.

I am not talking about staying in bad relationships or situations – if you are in one now and are able to pick yourself up and run, DO IT before hopelessness immobilizes you again. I am talking about those times when there is nothing major “wrong”, but there is also nothing major “right”. Or those times when things are okay, but your skin crawls with the need to be more of the puppeteer and less of the puppet in your own life. Perhaps you know that things need to change…that they ARE going to change…but you are not sure how, or when, or why. Maybe you took the steps to shift your life and now that things have you are left wondering what kind of monster you just let loose. New anything…jobs, locations, and opportunities stemming from both “bad” and “good” create anxiety as we move from the usual into the unknown and we often find ourselves resisting or working against the flow as we try to regain our footing.  As we struggle to feel more secure, we could be using our energy more productively by listening to Bob Marley’s advice to have faith and “don’t worry about a thing, ‘cause every little thing is gonna be alright”.

Faith is a big word full of religious connotations that somehow have always been connected to a lack of power and personal control in my mind. Years growing up around various conservative churches drilled into my skull that faith is about believing in the impossible and improbable  without question and relinquishing all control of our lives to an invisible being that could only be clearly heard by a chosen few with really bad hair. But several years ago I found a sticker that remains on the water bottle I use every day that shifted my thinking about passively giving over your life to the unknown.  It says: FAITH:VERB.

And, of course, the simplest definition of a verb is “an action word”.

Duh — of course faith is an active thing. But how often do we all say we have “faith” when we really have that tone of “oh my god, I HOPE this is going to work out because I really don’t know” in our voice? For many of us faith has become a THING – a noun – something that is. It has become something that exists outside of us and can be quite elusive when we are troubled. It has become something we think we have (or don’t have) not something we DO. Indeed, our ability to actively DO faith seems to be the first thing we drop when we get scared and start our personal version of clutching at the strings of control.

In those times when things are most uncertain, having faith is the only thing TO do as we deal with the uncertainty of our temporary blindness. And what are we supposed to have faith in????   First, simply that we will know what we need to know, when we need to know it and all will be revealed to us in time. When we begin to make rash decisions that are contradictory to our truest selves because we are grasping at control we can prevent the next best thing from easily happening to/for us.  When we react to our own fears instead of sitting in the uncomfortable in-between place of not knowing, we use up our energy spinning in circles instead of getting ready to act on the positive things coming our way. By practicing faith that the world will still rotate without us having our finger on the control button, we begin to see our discomfort for what it is….fear that things are changing and that our personal desires and plans are going to be forgotten in the storm. Fear that the “bad” patterns will keep repeating if we don’t hold on tight. Fear that everything will be different, that we won’t get to choose, and that we can’t see the right path. Uncertain about our future we feel it is only us, not something greater, that is watching out for us and we feel alone and small.

And the most important part of faith is knowing that this is not true..

If you ask me when I feel the itch to run if I have faith that everything will be okay in the end, and if I truly believe I was a beloved child of the Universe, I would tell you yes, of course. But that would not necessarily stop my failing around as I tried to figure out a course of action that would result in feeling like I was driving this life again. And this “child” of Universe would certainly still have thought that she knows better than any higher power when she was stressed! How is it that if I cannot see around this particular corner in my life, I still think I can choose an action that will result a positive outcome? What is all this energy I use to run, make demands on the universe and generate a river of tears actually gaining me? When I don’t know what to do, or what is going to happen, why am I so hell-bent on believing that I will have the answers if I only beat my head against the wall hard enough???  Where did that part about believing it is all going to be okay in the end disappear to???

Regardless of how contradictory it seems when our fight or flight mechanism is going crazy because things are up in the air, we need to sit in our itchy, squirminess until we are clearer about which way to proceed. When we can feel change in the air like the coming of the rain, remember that we must open our hands in order to accept a gift. A clenched fist can neither let go of what it doesn’t need, or receive something precious. And our desire to be the one in control is most definitely a clenched fist – and frequently a clenched jay and stomach too!

Breathe. Open your heart to the very real possibility that everything is going to okay and know that you are on the exact path that gets you right where you are supposed to be. Stop fretting as if there was some way you can speed the transition from here to the future. Take the time to rest your spirit and wait until the way is clearer. Be kind to yourself when you are feeling powerless and know that vision is achieved by observing not doing. Resist the urge to think that whatever we might do in this deeply uncomfortable moment is a better choice than listening for further instructions.

Regardless of your personal belief in a higher power or divine being, take comfort knowing that everything evolves out of chaos. Allow yourself – and the universe – to sort through the endless possibilities for your life and create room for good things to enter.  When you fret that change has brought bad things in the past and that you HAVE to stay in control so that bad doesn’t happen again….consider the possibility that maybe letting go is exactly what is called for. Maybe you really need to just get out of your own way.  I know I need to get out of mine.

Use faith as a bridge to get you from this moment of uncertainty to the place where things seem more settled. Every little thing WILL be alright. Pack up your imaginary running shoes …or better yet, use your real ones them for what they are made for and create some physical momentum to eat up the anxiety while you wait for the rest of life to catch up.

Honoring Survivorship June 11, 2011

Last weekend was Nation Cancer Survivors Day and this weekend was my hometown’s American Cancer Society Relay for Life fundraiser in which my dad and I were the survivor speakers. As I complete my tattoo and celebrate my acceptance to grad school, I find myself deep in thought about survivorship and what life after cancer means.

As a “cancer blogger” I am meeting women all over the world who are blogging about their experiences. They have opened my eyes to a side of breast cancer that is not about pink ribbons and gratefulness, but includes hard looks at the money machine of cancer fundraising and the social acceptability of the term “survivor”. While I may not necessarily agree with the opinions these strong women bloggers’ voice, I am in awe of what they have accomplished in spite of and BECAUSE they got cancer. Even when they are saying they don’t like the term “survivor” or they refuse to be defined by cancer, their cancer experience has lead them to write, be politically active and to teach the rest of us what they have learned.

Sarah, author of the book and blog titled “Being Sarah” recently wrote in her post “Show Me The Money” about the difficulties in celebrating survivorship when she has friends who very well may not make it which casused me to stop and think ….

“So how does someone with stage IV feel about being called a survivor, when they know that breast cancer will probably kill them?…. A friend sends me a link to a short film, the Pink Well Breast Cancer Survivor Dance Tribute, to celebrate National Cancer Survivors Day in Houston, Texas. Gloria Gaynor sings ‘I will survive’ whilst hundreds of women parade in pink wigs and tinsel, in sparkly pink dresses and feather boas, and smile and dance….

Meanwhile, the same friend is off for more scans for her metastatic breast cancer. She is 40 years old. Scans to see if her weekly chemotherapy treatments are having an effect, if she might get a period of stable disease. And for those of you who haven’t experienced intense medical treatment, we’re talking about every week of your life interrupted by at least one medical appointment, hours of sitting round waiting for treatment, then waiting for results from scans, living her life in three month chunks. It means visits to clinics where other patients hopefully ask her when she’s going to end her treatment. It means serious side effects and unexpected hospital stays due to complications with her heart and lungs. Feeling like a prisoner because her doctors say it’s not safe for her to fly right now, so she has to cancel a short break on a retreat, which is just what she could do with right now. And anyway, her treatment is so intense she can only think about taking a few days away at a time.

Do you think she would like a pink wig or a feather boa? Do you think she feels like dancing and celebrating survivorship?”

Another blogger I follow is Katie at Uneasy Pink who really challenges me to think about my definition of survivor in her post “Celebrating Survivorship”:

“I am conflicted about the term survivor. To me, a survivor is a person who has been utterly victimized, who is powerless and suffering at the hands of something or someone that is about as close to pure darkness as exists in the world. War. Holocaust. Childhood abuse. Things that happen completely beyond the control of the victim. Things that alter the path of a life altogether.

There are parallels to cancer here. I didn’t choose it and it did change my life forever. How is changes my life, on the other hand, is in large part up to me.

The big difference, as I see it, is that this “thing” that victimizes us is our own bodies. I question the wisdom of likening our own bodies to the Nazis or the Khmer Rouge. Strange to me too, that this label only applies to cancer. I don’t hear people calling themselves heart disease survivors or flu survivors. What does adopting the survivor label do to our self image? Cancer become a part of who we are, rather than a disease we had (or have).
Rather than honor people with cancer, I think it cheapens the term. After all, “surviving” is a function of having access to good health care. I saw a doctor. Several, actually. I got diagnosed. Then I got treated. How does that compare to a child molested by his priest?

Second thought is, when do we honor the nameless, faceless billions who didn’t survive?”

These womens words hit home with me and make me examine what I mean when I talk about survivorship.  I don’t disagree with Katie saying that she objects to putting herself in the same box as a holocaust survivor – I know there are people out there who have suffered and lived through horrendous things. But I have listened to many cancer survivors downgrade what they have been through to the point of making it seem as if they had a cold for all the acknowledgement they are willing accept. Chemo patients think radiation patients have it worse and radiation patients think that chemo must really suck. And if you have done both PLUS surgery…well, you REALLY get the prize! Younger people have it worse than older people, blahblahblah. I even had one woman tell me that she really didn’t think she deserved to be called a survivor because she only had a lump. How big was her lump? The size of a walnut. That is huge! It is as if there is a grading system to having had cancer, and it seems that some cancers are worse (or BETTER!) than others. Let me tell you this from someone who had cancer and had a parent with cancer ….if someone tells you that you , or your loved ones, have cancer,  your world changes FOREVER. If you choose to take the bull by the horns, fight it and are a better person in the end for it….you are a SURVIVOR.

For most of us, it is easier to tell other people they are deserving than to recognition for what we have been through. I spend so much of my time speaking to women and writing about the inspirational parts of what I have learned that sometimes I forget how badly it sucked. Today, as I walked past cheering people on the Survivors Lap at Relay, I teared up because these people were honoring the difficult road I had been on. Many of them have no clue – they are only imagining how difficult it can be. It is all of that and more….worse than any nightmare, and yet not so bad sometimes. It is worthy of recognition however you label it.

As immersed as I am in breast cancer culture, sometimes I forget why. When I go to the doctor because it is time for MY check up I am abruptly reminded that I do what I do because cancer happened to ME.  It is disorienting since you would THINK that I think about it all  the time.  In some ways I do…but I have put it into a box that doesn’t allow for much honoring – only coping and moving on.  Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of what we have done in order to see all of who we are.  And we cannot truly and deeply honor others until we do the hard work of honoring ourselves.

Claiming the title survivor is no different than the multitudes of ways that warriors in all cultures have keep track of their victories. And proclaiming kinship to others who have fought the same battle is  the  brotherhood of the warrior that has always existed to honor and respect each fighter. It is not just about who wins, it is about who joins the battle. Not everyone does.

In the speech I gave at Relay for Life I said:

“A cancer diagnosis is traumatic, but it is not the interesting part of our story. The interesting part is how any of us chose to live after it.
Survivorship is rising above and beyond what happened to us. It is about looking at where we were and where we are now and choosing to move beyond both. Though it may seem unjust that we are presented with the challenges we have faced, we are being tested and given an opportunity to rise above. How far we rise depends on each of us.
We can choose to let the disease take our hold of our spirit, or we can become bigger than we ever knew was possible. Survivorship is not about beating or outliving cancer – it is about how we choose to live our lives after being told that we could die.
Whether our remaining time here is 6 days or 60 years, this is our opportunity to clarify what is important to us, and to choose to live with greater presence and commitment to what is worthy of our precious selves and time. We cannot return to the way things were. We cannot waste our time wishing things were otherwise. In order to survive we must re-create our reality and choose to step into a new way of being.”

Cancer is not who I am. But it certainly has cleared the way for me to become who I am. In fighting for my life I found a stronger, deeper, more committed person. I discovered a toughness I did not know I had and reaffirmed a faith in Spirit that I thought I had lost. I uncovered lost dreams and lost friends. Because I was scared and did what I needed to do anyhow, I found out I can accomplish anything.  And now I also have an awesome new tattoo and am about to start grad school to become a better writer.  No, I am not cancer. I am a survivor because I took the lemons and made some REALLY AWESOME lemonade. That is what survivorship is.

(for further thoughts on survivorship please read my post Victim or Survivor)

It Gets Better May 5, 2011

Recently there have been numerous news stories detailing the deaths of young people who were tormented for being different or because they were gay.  While youth is always a time of great change and those who stand out in the crowd have always been targets of others insecurities, the extreme violence surrounding many of these deaths  in  a time in which we believe ourselves  to be so progressive is stunning.  In the past year our youth have been beaten to death, lured to “parties” in which they are tortured and raped, videoed and publically humiliated, and bullied to the point they can no longer bear staying alive.  A recent news story told the tale of two 13 year old girls – best friends – who killed themselves at a slumber party. Their parents suspect they had been planning it quietly all along and they did not want to be stopped . This was not a “call for help” as we traditionally have viewed suicide. In their minds, death was the only way to end the constant abuse they suffered at the hands of their peers .

Closer to home, last month over dinner a young friend of mine spoke of a 13 year girl at her school who was different, never seemed to fit in , had family troubles and who took her own life.  I have seen so many of these kids over the years.  A  young man named Colin stayed with me while he escaped the abuse he suffered at the hands of his extremely religious parents because he was different.  He disappeared one day and his parents found him two weeks later hanging in the woods in their back yard. When I practiced counseling and did crisis intervention my office was full of teens struggling to stay alive, afloat and in one piece.  These kids were rebels, honor students, athletes and GLB teens who felt they did not – and could not – measure up. They were tormented at school and often held to unrealistic standards by parents with deaf ears. Some felt themselves to be so different it terrified them and they could see no way they would ever fit in. Their problems were belittled, the stresses they were under discounted and they sought control by acting out, through self-abusive behavior and ultimately by ending their lives. They did not believe there was help to be had and could only see a lifetime of the same garbage ahead of them.  It is no wonder they chose to close the book.

To my young friends out there:  I want you – all of you,  wherever to you are – to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  And, it does get better.  SO MUCH BETTER.  I PROMISE.  I know what it is like to be bullied, shunned and tormented for being different.  I know how hard it is to shine.  I know all about hating yourself for things you cannot control, and how difficult it is to believe that things will ever be better. I know what it is like to feel so unbearably different but I also know  how scary AND  exquisitely beautiful it is to find out who you really are. There are many people who understand, who will lend an ear and a helping hand.  Believe me when I tell you I know how hard it is to face another day knowing you cannot, and will not,  ever be what they want  and it seems so easy to just disappear.  Looking back, I am so very happy that I didn’t let the bastards win.  Keep fighting the good fight- it will not be forever.  You will find your place, you will find many others like you  – you are not now  — and will not ever be— alone. If you doubt my word…TALK TO ME  — here is my email : becomingamazon@gmail.com – I am ALWAYS available to you.  Please do not end your story before it even gets to the good parts.

To the “responsible adults” around us:  This is a nation founded on the principals of rebelliousness and individuality.  Our country’s founders came here to escape intolerance.  Why then do we as a nation silently condone persecutory behavior when it is directed at the shadows of our societies – those we marginalize due to race or sexual orientation?  Your families were once the very people hiding their beliefs, hiding who they were, running from the religious zealots who said they were wrong and who dictated “gods” word differently than your families believed.  Have we forgotten why we came here in the first place????

We need to instill a tough national ZERO TOLERENCE policy around bullying, discrimination and discriminatory violence regardless of the age of the perpetrator.  Both children and parents should be held equally accountable for acts of terror and violence targeting other youth.  Teachers, principals and school boards should be held accountable for acts of bullying occurring on their campuses  AND  for acts of violence that occur off campus  when the  seeds were planted and word was spread during school time. Family, friends and neighbors need to stand up for our youth; we need to speak out, jump in, notify authorities and stop pointing fingers or saying “it is not my problem”.  IT IS OUR PROBLEM.

Every evening the news carries stories of youth being bullied, after school “fight clubs”, malicious texting and abusive social media interactions and we turn the sound down, throw our hands up and wonder who is responsible.

WE ARE RESPONSIBLE.

WE DID THIS TO OUR YOUTH.

WE CREATED THIS PROBLEM.

AND WE NEED TO PUT AN END TO IT NOW.

 

We need to create more opportunities, both educational and social in which individuality and self-expression are supported, explored and celebrated.  When we foster competition over creativity and when sports teams are funded while the arts are being shut down  we are raising a generation more aggressive and less tolerant of those who are different. We need to back off on the pressures to succeed that we put on our children due to our own adult fears of failure.  Let them be kids, love them for all their crazy glory.  Stop trying to make them little adults imposing on them some weird standard for plastic perfection.  Let them PLAY and explore and create, then ask them to be responsible – not the other way around.   Our priorities need to change.

Our youth are our future.  In a society where adults turn a blind eye on youth picking on those who are unique what does that say about our future?  Where will our creativity disappear to?  Where will our individualism and all the things this country was founded on disappear to when our children are too afraid to stand out? Are we becoming a nation identical to the ones we fled from so many years ago?  Keep in mind that the world’s richest man was a geek – shunned for not being an athlete and meeting some “american standard” for athleticism and aggression.  What if he ended his life at 16  because he was weird and bullied?  What would we have lost?

To the parents out there:  Shame on you to those adults whose own closed minded perfectionism bred such intolerance in our children. Shame on you for closing your eyes, for your lack of accountability and your apathy.  You have forgotten your role.  As parents we hold great responsibility  – our children are not ours  to use as pawns or tools to foster our hatred and biases. They belong to the future and as such need guidance in staying the course of integrity and strength in the face of pressures to follow the easy path of conformity. And though you will never see this, to the parents of Colin:  I will never forget that your child died because you couldn’t love him for who he was instead of who you wanted him to be.  He was an amazing young man — too bad for all of us that you didn’t see that.  You set an example for all  parents to learn who our children really are …you may be pleasantly surprised.

Thankfully many, many more parents work hard to raise conscientious, caring and compassionate kids….THANK YOU.  I have the good fortune to know and work with many of your young people, and I love them dearly for how hard they work to do the right thing. You are teaching them that regardless of your  specific beliefs we all hold a piece of God, and to extinguish that  through demands of conformity or acts of violence, robs us all. I am so grateful for your compromises, your wisdom, your words and  your silence  even when your were scared.  As a single parent of young adults, I know how hard it is….but I also know that the most important thing we ever give our kids is acceptance.  And sometimes, that is a hard thing for us to give without any attachments.

To my fellow warriors, rebels, GBLT rule breakers, artists and creative souls….I love you all.  I honor all that you are, all that you have been and the challenges you have faced.  So many of you hid when you were young waiting for a safe time to be truly you….and I love who you have become!  I am so glad that you stayed here with us as you continue to brighten so many lives.  I wish that these kids could see you then and  now so that they would know what is possible. They so need to know what love and acceptance really looks like.  Thank you for helping all of us step up to being better people.

Please check out the following resources:

It Gets Better Project founded by Seattle’s Dan Savage

Pink  ”Perfect” explicit

Lady Gaga Born this Way lyrics

Cultivating asparagus April 20, 2011

I have been putting in an asparagus bed this Spring – an interesting process for a girl with some serious commitment issues. Growing asparagus takes a lot of preparation and care and needs to be left alone for two years before it is harvested. And not only does it take forever  before you can eat it, it hogs a whole lot of energy and valuable space. In order to make room for it, 2 large sheds got taken down, a ton of gravel was moved and a hundred wheelbarrows full of dirt were hauled across the yard to fill the 4’x11’x14” bed that will house a cluster of weedy looking roots. Counting a full year of planning and preparation, by the time I have a piece of roasted asparagus on my plate, nicely seasoned with olive oil, garlic and a little lemon pepper, I will have labored over it for three years without it even reaching its peak production for  several more. I’m preparing to commit to this vegetable longer than most things in my life.

My kids and I moved nearly 20 times in the nineteen years we lived together. We relocated for good reasons, and for bad….we have moved all of our stuff into storage units while we lived out of boxes, and unpacked full of hope time and time again. Each time I carefully packed the collection of bird nests my daughter said I kept because I was looking for my own place to nest. Each new home was like a new garden…an empty space waiting to be filled, full of promise that if I worked hard enough, it would be bountiful. In each I tended a garden of some sort, full of hope that the seeds I planted would unleash abundance on us.

Gardening is where the dreamer in me shines – where I can jump in head fist and watch the magic happen. It is a small world I get to be god of. I spent many winters reading garden catalogs, making plans and buying far more seeds than I ever really needed. Always hoping that this would be the one I got to keep, I threw my whole heart in with wild abandon. I dug every new garden myself, asking for and receiving no help…moving turf, hauling rocks and constructing beds.The problem was I spent little time distilling what I REALLY wanted, had the time and energy for  and whether the conditions were really right. It was one big all-or-nothing-try-everything-in-hope-that-something-works. Regardless of the suitability of the land to what I wanted, I attempted to build my dreams in an energetic frenzy of dirt moving and shit hauling.

Ironically (or maybe not) no matter how many times I planned, dug and sweated, or even how long I was able to tend that particular garden, I never really harvested what I planted. I confess – shamefully – I was a lifetime gardener who didn’t enjoy the fruits of her labors. Sure, I would nibble out of it and give stuff away to neighbors and friends, but as for harvesting and making the most of every zucchini, bean or lettuce leaf – well, most of it rotted. For all the time, energy, and work I put in, I never really got to be nourished by it. I dove in headfirst with enthusiasm and hope but was blinded by the enormity of possibility. I would lose focus, forget to water, get distracted and soon  it was too late. The window of opportunity was gone.

In my garden I had a big idea of what I wanted – but it was like comparing a relationship to a grocery store romance novel — little connection with reality or possibility. Even though I dreamed big and worked hard on it, it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted or capable of maintaining and I had to give up mid-stream. And all these years of running to and from many things – and myself  - meant that I had never learned how to cultivate my dreams. My lack of abundance in other areas of life left me seeking, yet unable to harvest, my dream anything much less garden. A lack of clarity about what I wanted had me planting far more seeds that I was interested in or able to take advantage of. I was a spectacularly hard worker but not so good at doing all that would have resulted in a successful harvest. When the garden had finally reached its maximum fertility and was ready to give back, I let the branches break for the weight of the fruit, and the stalks fell over top-heavy.  It was survival of the fittest…the toughest plants survived the attention/neglect then got packed up and moved on with me. The rest was left unapologetically in the compost heap.

This post was about gardening right?

To an outsider gardening looks like you can just plant, sit around watching it grow, pull a few weeds and then feast. It takes a great deal more planning and preparation in order to be successful. Choices about time and place, long term goals and quality of the available resources are critical to being able to continue productivity for the long term. The daily tending is critical to keeping it healthy.  And like so much of life, it is the small things you do that result in abundance. Sometimes in the in-between, when you are just tending to the dream, it is easy forget your intention and get distracted. Gardening and life are a constant re-commitment to the process –even when it looks like nothing is happening. We have to trust in the unseen, to believe that our care matters. Sometimes we have to re-evaluate mid-stream, make different decisions about our resources or take a break to rest the soil. We have to plan ahead to prevent disaster and anticipate our successes so that we are ready to receive.

Cancer changed much in my life, right down to the fact that my “garden” became 2 pots on the back porch and some real evaluation about what I wanted in life. Now that my kids had moved out, I only had my needs to consider and a clean slate. I had a gnawing sense of immediacy and my world had become a daily investigation of what was important to me in the moment. Gone was my endless energy for big, vague dreams and instead I asked myself regularly, “is this making me happy?” and “what do I really want?”.I was often surprised by the answers.

Some of that big dream I thought I wanted didn’t really apply to me. The job I thought was so important was not. And neither was questing after the status of being important. I wanted small, not large. What was actually valuable to me in my relationships was not necessarily what I had thought. I was really satisfied with the “happy hour menu” instead of the whole big sha-bang.  Most importantly, I began to realize I was worth the effort to plan for and have what I wanted then to enjoy whatever it was.

My boyfriend Neil began looking for his first house to buy while I lay in bed recovering from surgery. As he was working through finding what he really wanted I encouraged him to make a “treasure map” of what was most important and to firmly believe that it would lead him to the right home. I taught him the very work I was trying to embody myself and hoped that teaching would help the learning sink in. While he manifested his way to a new home, I mapped my way into a new life, questioning the importance of each step to make sure I was not throwing it all to the wind as I so often had.

And sure enough the house appeared – in not quite what was be anyone’s dream location, but certainly full of possibility and possessing every strength Neil considered important – down to room for the roses he hoped to grow. Though it was Neil’s home, I had made my own treasure map of what I hoped for in this next move: space to build love, the strengthening my health, staying close to my parents, time to self-reflect  wrapped in the sweet smell flowers and of course, a garden. We got the got the keys the night before my last radiation treatment. Come spring, we counted 30 rose bushes (!) and those mysterious tree-like plants all over the yard turned out to be a dozen different lilacs. The previous owner was a gardener and as it warmed up and my energy began to return, I filled her garden beds with vegetables and munched on the raspberries she had tended so carefully.  As I settled my nest collection into its new home, I couldn’t help but wonder if finally I had learned enough to have found my own nest location too.

That first summer I carefully tended a garden that had been there for many years with the tools that the little old lady had left for me to use. Fenced in and protected, there were many plants that were long established and an abundance of surprises. I grew only what I knew we could eat and what I had energy for, I shared the excesses of raspberries and beans but kept enough for me to make jam and put things away in the freezer for deep-winter treats. I planted flowers that I cut every week and tended the dozens of rose bushes making sure that I always brought the beauty indoors to enjoy all of the time.

Cautiously I dug into the dirt, my home and my relationships. I re-established connections with friends I hadn’t seen in years because I had felt so toxic. Neil and I remodeled the whole house  making it ours, sorting out the nuances of what we each wanted. We learned how to work together amidst the piles of rubble and dust left from tearing down the old in so many ways.  We called our friends and loved ones for help with the hard things and to join us in celebrating our successes.  Tentatively I extended little tendrils of roots and closed the exit doors I usually left open for me to escape. Where I used to plan far ahead and close myself off, now our house and garden is full of the laughter of family and friends who often stop by unannounced. Many quite evenings have passed with a glass of wine in hand watching our chickens root around in the dirt. And I have fully harvested two years worth of gardens, with a freezer full to prove it.

When I told my kids I was planning to plant asparagus they said “Whoa Mom, that is BIG!” And it is. This wasn’t something I could dig up and take with me in a pot or pack into a box.  Planting asparagus is a statement that I plan to be around to stick around to see it grow, to do the cautious work of preparing its home, to take care of it and enjoy it thoroughly when it ended up on my plate.

There is something way bigger at work here in this garden. I have stopped envisioning my life in big fairy tale format that had little connection to my sanity and dreams. I spend more time asking if this is my desire or someone else’s and try to act on that. When I focus on what I want, I stop running away from abundance and instead become more able to receive the fruits of my labor.  I allowed for the wisdom, tools and helping hands of the people around me, past and present, to help me tackle challenges instead of hiding, ashamed of my struggles and limited knowledge. As I become more comfortable with what I want and who I am without the extra distractions, I am able to set down roots. All gardeners know that the more nourished the roots the deeper they grow and the healthier the plant. And I feel my roots growing strong and deep and reaching outwards to anchor myself to this place.

The Jersey King asparagus that will arrive any day now has no idea how incredibly important it is. When I finally get to that dinner, I will have worked the same garden for 4 years – longer than I have ever stayed put in one place. It will also mean that I have allowed love in my life, and consistently maintained close friendships that nurture me, for the longest time ever.  Its survival means that I will have successfully cultivated hope and acted on my dreams in many aspects of my life for longer than I have ever. And most importantly, I stuck through the rain and dirt, sunshine and beautiful days to actually enjoy the effort I have put in. A lot rides on something that could die regardless of my attention. This asparagus – not even planted yet – represents far more than a tasty side dish. It represents the most important commitment I have ever made – the one to constantly and lovingly tend my own inner garden.

Light it up March 30, 2011

“Contradiction

I’m conflicted with being a hypocrite

And through these songs you can witness it

The difference is that I admit this shit

‘cause I’m just like you

Walking the fine line between saying it

And living it”

~Macklemore

I have quit writing more times than I can count.  In fact, I have quit many things – and people – more times than I can count.  I have avoided, belittled and stalled on amazing ideas and plans and I have been far less than I could be. I had gone into hiding and shirked my calling. I have ended friendships, jobs and avoided being recognized. I used to think that it was just a “commitment” issue that caused me to be unable to fully engage, but recently I heard words come out of my mouth that told a different story.

I was giving a long list of reasons why I really shouldn’t write to my son the other day.  He got frustrated with the never-ending excuses and said JUST DO IT MOM.  “I can’t” I replied.  “If I do, someone will find out someday that I can’t always live the story I tell, and they will call my bluff and everyone will know that I am a fake and it will be horrible”.  Openmouthed he looked at me and with thick eighteen year old sarcasm he said “REALLY, Mom?????”  Confessing this to a young adult fully in the throes of self-discovery shook me into realizing how universal this fear of being judged is, and how limiting.

The next day I got in the car and plugged in music my son introduced me to from Seattle hip hop master Macklemore in which he talks about the difficulties of being a white, middle class hip hop artist.  He speaks of the need to share your story and of the urge to create that goes beyond your own self-imposed boundaries. He totally gets the paralyzing fear that you are going to be called out on how well you walk the talk.  He challenges us to honor the places we are contradictory so that we are more true to ourselves and liberate our creativity from self-judgment.  Hmmm…..

I am often front and center in leadership roles that mask my own insecurities. I would love to live a quiet life out of the path of action but something keeps pushing me into it.  Destiny, karma, or whatever, has given me the ability and opportunity to serve others even though  I’d rather be unknown .  I have tried, but I can’t fight it. I have this over riding sense that I am supposed to speak up and speak out even as I worry that someday the skeletons in the closet are going to have a big ol’ dance party in front of everyone I know. I still hear the voice of someone I loved challenging me:  “How can you help other people when you are so screwed up?”.  Said years ago, it continues to echo within me.

Writing in particular is a challenging and often completely bipolar exercise. Some days I get up so excited to write that it is all I can do to get through the day until I can sit at the computer.  The words just flow out of me and the connection to a deeper wisdom is effortless.  It makes me incredibly happy and everything is good.  Other days the voices in my head drown out any enthusiasm with their shouting about how worthless it all is, how self-indulgent and arrogant I am. Worse yet….what a liar. I struggle with getting out of bed, much less with how to be my truest self.  I am often not a very good cancer survivor, and frequently can’t find anything positive about who I am now because of it. Most of the wisdom found on these pages was discovered at the end of many a long road of hardship that a truly wise person would have seen coming and avoided like the plague.  While I feel the truth in the words that flow so easily on those magical days, the reality of living them fully is often daunting enough for me to hide not only my gifts, but myself.  What if I am wrong?  What if I can’t?  Who am I to say these things?  For God’s sake, what if someone finds out I am human!???

In my all or nothing life, I frequently judge myself too harshly –if I am not all wise, than I am nothing.  And if I am nothing, well, then that is just how it is so I should keep my head down and maybe no one will notice.  Certainly don’t put myself in front of an audience who will all be there to see me fall.

But,  there it is….I sit with the knowing that I am both wise and stupid, successful and not, and to live this life fully, both sides of the coin must be embraced.  I do walk the fine line between saying it and living it, and am nothing if not a frequent contradiction.

Perhaps I need to remember the day I went to give a speech (for which I had paid a lot of attention to how I looked)  to have my mom tell me I had chicken shit on my stilettos. We laughed it off after a cleanup and I went to the microphone relaxed.  The speech went great -I came off as smart and funny and looked pretty good too.  No one knew about the poop….and maybe it was just what I needed to keep me grounded and focused on what part of me was most important.

It would seem fairly obvious that we all are in process, and we shouldn’t judge ourselves so harshly for where we are not living up to the face we put on for everyone else.  But we do.  I have too many friends that agonize over where they think themselves a disappointment to others, who choose not to love fully or pursue their dreams because they need to keep their carefully developed persona intact.  We are so aware of our own faults and mistakes that we wear them as a shield to protect ourselves from our dreams.  It is an awfully heavy burden to lug around.

I challenge you to look within at the areas where you act as if you are less;  where you don’t stick your neck out, say what you need to say, act on your dreams or love as fully as you would like because someone might see the contradiction in your intentions and your actions. Don’t listen to the people who scoff at how “you talk one thing and do another”, who question the validity of what you know, who hold you back because of what it means to them if you take risks.  If we change ourselves, the whole world will change with us because we are all so connected.  And if we call our own bluff and show the man behind the curtain, everyone will all be affected and called to a deeper place of integrity and honesty that will change all of us.

My confusion about the right path to take and the way I often flail around in my life are the same struggles others face more or less publicly.  We are not diminished by our challenges, but fed by them.  We all live lives of contradiction because we are complex ever- evolving beings.  There is grace in holding both the wisdom and the idiocy, and true depth and meaning come from a heart that has been strengthened by both.

I am sure there will be many more days where I feel like a hypocrite and unable to live with the contradiction in what I am able to do vs. what I write about.  I write this not as an apology or a public exposure of my weaknesses in order to cover my ass, but as a way for me to speak the truth about all that I am so that I can be more.  I have written nearly everywhere in this blog that we must live into what we choose instead of into our fear not because I am good at it, but because I must keep reminding myself.  We hide all we can be because we fear that in showing our brilliance we will also expose our dark.  As the chorus to the Macklemore song goes, we must “light it up to burn it down”.  And so I write today and each day  to light a match for me and for you and you and you and you and you…………..

(Check out this amazing music….Macklemore \”Contradiction\”)

Red Boots January 29, 2011

A reoccurring conversation between my partner Neil and I goes like this:

“do you think I should write?”

“yes”

“why?”

“because you are good at it and you like to do it”

“that’s not enough of a reason”

“why?”

“because it doesn’t really matter– it doesn’t pay the bills – it is just about me ”

“oh”

“does it make you happy?”

“yes”

“hmm”

Two years into survivorship, real life is imposing on the good life I intended in the post cancer survivors bliss of “I have to make this time on earth meaningful”.  I am battling the feeling that that life is really, really short but excuse-me-I-have- to- go- clean -the –toilets- now- what- trivial- problem- did -you -need –me- to- solve- for- you- before -I –eat- my- “lunch”- at -4pm- where –is- that-stupid -bill – I- can’t-justify-  that- new- pair- of- boots- after- all. I am again doing more because I feel like I should instead of because I want to. I am back to having to justify to myself doing what has pleasure, depth and meaning to me alone.  I struggle with the feeling that even though I LIKE something, it has to serve some larger utilitarian purpose in order to be worthwhile. But  I am also actively engaged in figuring out what makes ME happy and how to have more of that in my life.

I became “Mom” when I was 20, and even though I didn’t let parenthood change my life or choices too much, I always had someone else’s needs to consider. I went from being a kid to being responsible for a child with no time in between. I never spent any time assessing what I ALONE really wanted until both kids moved out the year before cancer came knocking.  Just as I was beginning to get a feel for who I was -gaining strength as an INDIVIDUAL instead of as an appendage of my kids – I was told cancer was trying to kill me.  Having to take extreme measures to save my own life kicked me deeper into reflection about who I was and what I alone wanted.  Cancer made me choose ME first after years of putting myself at the end of the line – and my life depended on making myself most important.

Choosing to place ourselves first is ALWAYS a life or death decision. Regardless of the circumstances that brought us to this place – be it cancer or something less dramatic, we may suddenly realize that we lost ourselves along the way. A rescue is in order and the person we are saving is the most important, worthwhile one of all……our deepest, most precious and unique selves.

We rarely take the time to examine exactly what we really want ; instead we are pulled along by circumstances until something knocks us over and we realize that time has slipped away from us.  A divorce, illness, children leaving or parents dying forces day light through our comfortable fog.  Suddenly something took over our well ordered lives and threw everything into the air.  And we cannot predict or control where things are going to fall. We may have forgotten to live our own life in the midst of everyday dramas and the “necessities” around us.  We may have settled for someone else’s version of ourselves in order to be “responsible” and “grown-up”.  We may be more or less happy with the person we have settled into but the tiny voices of our dreams and hopes still sing at us creating a restless wind if we care to notice.

It is a necessity of soul survival to discover our own lives – not our parents, our partner’s, our children’s, or our so called “responsible adult” one.  JUST OURS.  In order to LIVE it is required of us to be “selfish”-to learn what makes our own heart sing and to pursue it with wild abandon.  If we do not explore all the potentials – if we do not let ourselves write, dance, create, play or whatever – we are starving ourselves and the world around us of a glorious life.  We need to give a voice to our creative, active and spiritual selves in order to stay vibrant and alive. As we live a more honest heart centered life, others are inspired to be more true to themselves too.  We must all find ways small and large to create our happiness. Everyone benefits, instead of loses, when we each learn to put ourselves at the top of the list instead of at the bottom.

In the movie “All About Steve” Sandra Bullock plays Mary, a quirky single girl trying to figure out how to be herself in the so called “normal” world.  She wears a pair of tall red rubber boots with every outfit and when her father questions this unusual fashion choice she cries “they make my feet happy!” The boots were silly; they never really went with anything – but they made her feel confident, alive and HAPPY.  When her life shifted and something else came along that spoke to her more deeply about her true self and her happiness, she passed them on.  And so we should take her example:  instead of trying to fit into someone else’s idea of what your life should look like, find what makes you happy. Celebrate your quirkiness, don’t try to stuff it because it doesn’t pay the bills, look responsible or “pays off”.  When you open your arms to what brings you joy – in large and small ways – you will find yourself surrounded by opportunity, joy and happiness that you had no idea was available to you.

Letting ourselves indulge in our own happiness doesn’t have to be a gigantic life shaking event….it can be as small as choosing the watermelon flavored gum you loved as a kid instead of the “adult” mint flavor.  There are all kinds of small things that we gave up along the way because they seemed like an indulgence or just silly.  We stay in joyless situations, marriages, careers and all sorts of ruts with no escape plan simply because that is where we landed.  We may just find ourselves constantly thinking “I wish I could…”

The path we must go down might be a rocky one in order to get to the end of the rainbow but set your compass on whatever is your “red boots”.  When there is no clear reason besides our own happiness to change our situation, we must  ask ourselves  “what better reason is there?”  When we hold ourselves to a standard of supposedly grown up responsibility that does not allow us to be our happiest and truest self, we are slowly killing ourselves off just as surely and subtly as cancer tried to kill me.

Create your bucket list and GO FOR IT!  There is no better reason to do anything than just because you want to —- it doesn’t have to serve a purpose, pay a bill, result in an award or recognition or matter to anyone else but you.  Honestly, no one even needs to know unless you decide to share the delicious secret of your happiness….that you took care of you.  This is about discovering who you really are instead of who you became by accident.  Choose to save your own life by finding out what it really looks like.

Who will cheer-lead you even when what you are doing has no value to the outside world?  Have coffee with them….TOMORROW!

What did you always want to be when you were a kid?  What is stopping you now? How can you still participate in that???  Read a book?  Attend a class? Volunteer?

If you are a parent, what kind of example do you set to your kids by not doing what would make you happy???  We think we must hold it together for our kids, but they understand inner chaos and self discovery and exploration more than we know…..

If it took a lot of work to get to wherever dissatisfied place you are now– won’t it feel like less work to get to someplace that really rocks your world?

Make a list of all the things you stopped doing that made you happy but didn’t have a real purpose.  AND DO ONE EVERY WEEK.  Then make another list of all the stuff you have always wanted to do, but didn’t because it seemed useless.  Take a step towards exploring yourself each week!

Set your sights high – you never know if the Universe was just waiting for you to get it together so that it could rain down bliss on you!

Choose yourself first and all else will follow.