Language of Love February 12, 2012

“I love you” I said as we snuggled on the couch watching movies.

The evening suddenly took on the feel of a family gathering where Jr. drops the F-bomb in front of Grandma.

We had known each other for years before we started dating and few months into our “couple-hood”  I had no doubt that what I felt was love. But instead of completing the romantic moment, Neil looked at me and said, “It is going to be a while before I can say that”.

I had no way of knowing that more than 5 years later – and having lived together for most of it – I still would not have heard those words from him.

And, what is even more surprisingly, I am mostly okay with it.

Neil has more than the normal allotment of stereotypical male communication issues. On the other hand, words are really important to me and I am definitely a communicator. I’ve always wondered why in the world he chose me – a writer who finds it easy to voice my feelings and is deeply passionate and outspoken about a million different things when he so clearly is…NOT.

Neil is very reserved and my zest for engaging life to the fullest must push his buttons in addition to our opposing communication styles. But even in that awkward conversation about love, he has never shied away from me. In fact, his whole-hearted commitment to me when I must drive him crazy, is part of how I know he feels the words he finds so difficult to utter.

So, I keep saying “I love you” and he routinely responds: “Why now?”

Even though asking “why now” is probably intimacy avoidance at its finest, it has given me a deeper understanding of my own layers of relationship and connection. I am sure Neil doesn’t intend to come across as an emotional ascetic – maybe he is learning what love is. It seems that I certainly am.

My best guy friend was thrown off when a girl he was dating said she loved him. He called me in a panic: “I don’t know what to do! It is too early! I like her a lot but I don’t know where this is going and it is too much right now”.

“I tell you I love you all the time and I have loved you for years. What is the big deal with this?” I ask.

“It is different.” He answered. But I wondered why? Was he worried that that statement of love was full of expectation? Ownership? Exclusivity? What do we mean when we tell someone “I love you”? What do I mean when I say it to Neil?

“I love you,” I say. We are playing golf, the sun is shining and there is an eagle flying overhead. My score is pretty good for once, the friends we are playing with are laughing and everything is glorious. “Why now?” Neil asks. Because we get to share this moment. We enjoy each other’s company and seek it out instead of finding it tiresome; we have common things to laugh at and do together. In our playtime I get to see us as friends, not just who we are in our relationship.

“I love you”. We are watching the finals on a TV talent show in which the performance has been breathtaking, and I look over to see a tear running down his face. “Why now?” Because he feels for these people, for their hard work, for the heart they put into what they do. He appreciates the beauty, lets himself be moved and doesn’t pretend otherwise. His sensitivity and innocence are why I am with him. I am reminded of what a good man he is.

“I love you.” I am on a hospital gurney getting ready for surgery to remove cancer from my body.  Things will never be the same, life is uncertain and I am terrified. “Why now?” he says ever so softly. Because love is all I have to hold onto. I need to hear something in my voice besides fear, and need to know that I part of something more than cancer. Through my love I remind myself of who I am and how much bigger life is than this illness.

“I love you” I say with a sigh. Frustration edges my voice. We are having a disagreement that stems from his inability to communicate and my tendency to make up for it by over doing it. “Why now?” He doesn’t believe me – I can hear it in his voice. I don’t blame him for his doubts, but the truth is that even when I am mad I wouldn’t chose to be anywhere else (or at least not for long!). Either one of can chose to leave, but instead we slog through the tough times together knowing there is more than just this moment. I appreciate his willingness to keep trying and am grateful that we respect for each other too much to demand that our individual position is the only correct one.

We are a society that throws “I love you” around a lot. We say it lightheartedly to people we barely know, toss it around when we are happy, and end conversations with it habitually. I’ve slipped up and said it as I am hanging up the phone when it was clearly inappropriate and not meant. Too many times in the past I have said it without thinking about what it means. Often what I intended by the words was felt as something different to the person hearing it. That doesn’t mean I should say it less – in fact, post-cancer, I probably say it more than I ever have. I just am conscious of what it means to me when I do.

When I pay attention to saying “I love you” to anyone – especially Neil, I come to a deeper understanding of what is going on inside me moment to moment. It challenges me to use language that is more descriptive to build a fuller picture of my feelings and fill in the gaps so that the person I am addressing understands what “I love you” means for me. By doing so, I give them space to experience the intent instead of getting tangled up in the baggage. And more importantly, I am better able to speak from my heart when I know what really resides there.

“Why Now?” may very well be a stalling or diversionary tactic from a man emotionally tied in knots, but through the untangling of my own I have become a better person. As I discover why I love, I am better able to actually DO the emotion of love.

And love is something we all could get better giving AND receiving.

What Our Kids Really Need January 13, 2012

I was recently talking about my (adult) kids to a near stranger, “They are amazing people.  I am so proud of who they are.  I love hanging out with them”.  She was amazed and said that it was great to hear a parent say such nice things about their kids.  It struck me odd that this should be unique – even given that my kids are in the very difficult period of finding their balance between childhood and responsibility as they enter/leave college. They are both deeply spiritual, compassionate people who do the best they can in often challenging situations – we don’t always see eye to eye, but even if they weren’t mine, they would still be my favorite people.

Later I was talking about a management position I held where nearly all of my staff were my kids age  – and how much I loved working with them even though it was often challenging.  Again, this was received with amazement.  I don’t understand why; who wouldn’t want to work with kids who see the humor in a customer named Longe Dong (SERIOUSLY!),  or who required a chalkboard in the bathroom so they could leave doodles for each other? The joy far outweighed the extra work, and the effort of giving them the opportunity will remain with them their whole lives.

Yet, despite our own efforts,  some young people’s lives are easier than others. A friend of mine recently celebrated her magical daughter with an amazing blog post, while another friend has retreated into silence as her adult son is incarcerated for a series of bad choices.  Both are amazing parents, who did everything they could to give their kids the resources and support they needed on their difficult paths to growing up.  The outcome of their efforts will likely be vastly different.

Being young is hard. Loving young people through it all is challenging.  They are our future – and as such deserve our best efforts.

I have not been the parent I wanted to be – we were poor and they witnessed more bad situations than I wanted them to know existed. We were homeless. We were sometimes hungry and often did without things their friends had.  They have known the pain of racism and classism. They have suffered irretrievable losses from a father who is challenged by his role as a parent.  I grieve deeply for all I wished for them that I could not provide or fix.  And yet, they not only survived – but thrived.

I often wonder how they are so wonderful despite all that I did wrong according to psychologists and talk show hosts.  Though there is much they could discuss in therapy, I did much right – the most important things not dependant on money, resources or material goods.  Then and now, I fiercely support and defend their right to carve their own path in the world.  They know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have their back, and that I will kick their ass thoroughly if they are being stupid. They know I love them no matter who they are or the difficulties they face. I require them to have integrity, to be honest and compassionate and to remember that the person they are dealing with could be them.  They are free to have whatever hair, tattoos, clothing, music or political tastes hit them in the moment although I do take photos for blackmail later! I do not judge who they love as long as they are treated well. We talk about important and trivial things – nearly every day. My son and I go out for lunch together often to catch up. We have deep and profound connection and respect for one another. I have always thought that maybe they have as much to teach ME as I have to teach them.

I have also had the good fortune to mentor many young people over the years  - some of whom had  trouble  as they fumbled their way through the world.  Many of them suffered abuse, taunting and ostracism from their peers and family for all the ways they were different.  Some of them just needed the big love and strong shoulder of a person who held them to being their best self. I held them all to the same standards I held my own children to, and I was gifted back enduring love and respect.  A hyperactive kid who needed his first job was a handful, but he made me laugh and someday he will have my job. Another young man was quiet and shy, but as I gave him opportunities he gained confidence. He became the one everyone looks up to – the big brother everyone wanted to impress and be like. But another young man took his life when he could not measure up to the standards set for him by others.  I will never be free of the anguish of finding out that he didn’t come home because my love could not erase the pain of a box he couldn’t fit into .

We have gotten too involved in thinking that the “things” are what make us good parents/adults. We worry that if we get a divorce, made a bad decision or fail to provide them with the right opportunities, tools or toys they will we will harm  our children.  Or, we pay for expensive school and buy expensive dinners thinking that matter. Too frequently we neglect the very things that would make a difference for them – to show up and listen and to respect who they are.

Young people look to us for leadership and watch how we deal with our own experiences (good or bad) to learn how to be adults.  They don’t have a lot of tolerance for cover-up games from their role models, they will just find new ones . Who do you want them to learn from? They are smart, they see our mistakes and call bullshit when we expect things out of them that we neglect in ourselves.  Perhaps that is what scares us as adults – they see us for who we are, despite who we project.

Our youth deserve the same attention to relationship that we would give a spouse – just because they are kids does not diminish the level of care we should take in our interactions. They are magic – the younger they are the closer they are to God, and the older they are the more they can see through our thinly veiled façade.  They are our future…what do we want it to look like?

We can make a lot of mistakes as parents and mentors without losing their love and respect. Being a “good parent” is simply a matter of showing up and being real. Our youth don’t need the “right” anything – they need us.  They need us to be honest, to communicate and to support their best selves no matter what.  It might not save them all – each of us comes into this world with karma that often is counter to all other influences – but we can make a difference by making the effort.

Dear Friend….. October 6, 2010

Dear Friend,

You recently asked me, in anguish, if pursing the dream of true love was unrealistic.  You are going through such a hard time and I have thought of you and your question every day. I believe that I told you that following where your heart leads is always worth the trouble…but I wanted to say so much more.

Maybe you, like me, married because you were supposed to when a good man asked you. He was deeply in love with you  — maybe he thought you were the most amazing thing in the world. And you wondered what else should you ever expect of a relationship than to have a man that thinks you are a goddess?  Maybe after a time, after you found out more about yourself, or maybe in the effort to discover what lies beneath your tumultuous surface, you realized that the person he loved was not all that you suspected you were. Was he was willing to do anything but you knew that there was nothing that would change how you feel?  Maybe you felt like you were on a pedestal that you did not want – or feel that you deserved – and  it really felt like a cage to you.  Then came the day you could see the blue sky through the window and you realized that you wanted oh so much more.

Or were you  like me and married because you thought there was no other choice?  Maybe you thought you could not do it alone. Or you didn’t know how strong you really were yet and he scared you into staying. Maybe you stayed because you were afraid that you were nothing without him.  Did  you think that you could change the bad in him because he could also be charming and fun? Were you afraid to leave because by doing so it would show that you were not any good at relationships? Or did you believe that you should stay because you promised, and you should just try harder?  Did you think if you were skinnier, richer, or more beautiful, he would love you more and you would be happy and everything would be fine? Maybe a day came when you realized, like me, that you would rather die than stay, but the way out was full of darkness and difficulty.

Or did you just lay awake at night wondering “what if”?  Was everything in life “okay” but you yearned for AMAZING?   Did you simply know deep down inside that you deserved more? Or did you feel your sparkle start to dim as you settled for a life that was never really what you wanted? .

The day came when you asked me if you were being silly for searching for something more.  And when you asked me, I knew you had already started a journey in which you would find great beauty and sorrow.  You asked “why, if this is the right thing, do I feel so sad?”  And I did not answer.  Because I knew that you cry in sorrow, and in great joy, and maybe the two are intimately mixed right now.

You are not at the beginning of a quest for love, although that is what you think now. You are at the beginning of a great creative adventure. The canvas is wide open, the colors wait to mix and blend, to define and smear, to tell stories of hope, joy, pain and heartache.  There is excitement in the air when you make the leap to finding out what makes your heart sing.  There is terror as well – but it is the roller coaster, nervous laughter type…you chose the ride after watching others laugh and scream and raise their hands in the air while their plummeted down the track.  And you wanted to be like them – fearless.

Ah, but this journey is not about being fearless…..it IS about fear.  The fear that somehow, we will have wasted the time we have.  The fear that we will not know what we were really capable of.  The fear that we will never really know who we are….and ultimately, be loved for all of it and more.

The path to finding true love is not about looking for that in another person, although that may indeed come about. To find true love, you will need to get out your microscope and examine the tiniest details of YOU.  You will get out the dress up clothes and try on every possible combination of selves and will create a huge “THROW AWAY” pile, and a smaller, more beautiful and colorful “KEEP” pile.  You will make new friends, talk, cry, laugh and play your way into creation.  You will discover who you are without anyone else. You will find out that you are messy, or that you really like to get up later than you thought; that you like cheesy romance novels, or that you HATE scrambled eggs.  You will do things you never thought possible and you will stop doing things that you would have sworn were important to you.  You will take long bathes and longer hikes.  You will work harder than you ever thought possible and it will feel effortless because it is for YOU. You will change jobs, locations, friends and clothing. You will feel like you are going kinda crazy and that is GOOD!  Society doesn’t appreciate challenges to their dark suited, big worded serious norm….they call crazy the woman with the flower in her hat and the mismatched bright colored socks who hands out the most wonderful cookies on the street corner in the morning.  Which do you really want to be?

Along the way, while you are loving and exploring that person who is uniquely YOU, maybe someone will come along that appreciates your kind of craziness. The song you are singing will resonate in them but they will think the lyrics are a little different. They will see the triple rainbow in the sky that you see, but you will argue over its colors. They will walk left foot first and you  will walk right foot first, but somehow you manage to make it all work. And, because you know how you like your eggs  - you make theirs scrambled and yours sunnyside up. They will not ask you to be other than who you are. They will not blindly follow your lead. They will challenge you and be hard on you and hold you to a truth that IS you and so much more. You will be their hero, but not their savior. They will still get mad at you and think that your feet stink and get moody and out of sorts and you will realize that you don’t have to fix any of that. You will give them the space to be uniquely themselves – as they give you the space to be uniquely you.

Or maybe, you will not find THE ONE person.  Maybe you will find that you are okay without a partner, and instead surround yourself with friends, family and loved ones of all sorts who are only a phone call, or Facebook message away.  Maybe for awhile you will find relief in not feeling like you have to put someone else’s needs about your own. Maybe you will be free to change selves like you change your underwear. Maybe you will just be glad of the solace to heal the wounds that have surfaced in your life randomly like potholes in the road.

I hope that you, like me, will not come to the realization that you are worth the effort because your life has been threatened. Or because you were surprised by a disease that was trying to kill you as you went about your way doing your best to fit in somewhere. I don’t want you to find out, in the middle of a tragedy, when you most need love and support, that there is none for you when you have given away so much.

And so I say to you, with a huge hug and great love and tears in my eyes that YES love is worth all the trouble. LOVING YOURSELF, more than anyone else. Loving you enough that you  make tough choices. It means that you may sleep on a floor, or spend many nights alone, or eat more Top Ramen than you ever thought possible. You might be begged to come back, you might beg to go back. You might wonder if you did the right thing over and over and over again. It might mean that you have to give up some of what made you so falsely comfortable.  It might mean that you learn to fight for what is yours or to fight for a life you weren’t sure was ever really worth the bother.  And yes, it is worth it.  YOU are worth it.

Dream big.  Believe that all things are possible. Know that you are capable of so much more than you ever thought. You are far stronger than you know. You are surrounded by people who love you , who have been waiting for you to come out of your shell. Who will lend a hand (or a Kleenex) or a shoulder or a word of encouragement. You are never alone. There is a bottom to the deep deep ocean and there is beautiful, amazing and totally unique knowledge that comes from having seen what is there. Wake each morning with great curiosity about the day instead of dread. Forgive yourself for needing to be selfish. And be compassionate as you make mistakes.  Treat yourself as if you were your best friend. OPEN, OPEN, OPEN….You cannot receive a gift with closed hands. Remember that everyone around you possesses a piece of The Truth…and listen for it.  And maybe you, like me will start to see the possibility of all that we can be. Maybe you – like me -will find a special person, who marches to their own bizarre little drummer, to walk this rutted path with you.  Maybe you, like me will find that you are surrounded by people who have always known who you are and were just waiting for you to figure it out for yourself.  And maybe you will see that I am one of them.

With much love,

Me